I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
