No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Randomize
