dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
