I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
