I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I love you.
Bad choice
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
