Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
im on a boat
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