Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
