Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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