can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
