when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
