My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
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