You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
