Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm sobbing to NWA
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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