how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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