my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
