Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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