umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
