'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
