She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
