Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
