aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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