I cannot find my penis.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
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