this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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