possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Boobs speak an international language.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
