I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
