I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
