If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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