Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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