I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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