I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
