As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
