and she was petting her beer can
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
