my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
