what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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