You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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