My liver just broke up with me...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
