If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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