we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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