My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
