I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
The beers last night were like the tears from god
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
