Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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