Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Randomize
