But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
