I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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