Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
ttyl tear gas
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
