i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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