Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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