I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
