I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
