I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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